Well, I believed and still do, that killing or hurting yourself is no option. You can't force someone to love you. That's just not fair. Love is a natural phenomenon. You cannot make it happen overnight; it just happens out of the blue and takes time. We often tend to confuse 'infatuation' with 'love'.
It so happened to me. I was all happy and busy with my usual life; totally unaware of the coming shock! Never even in my dreams, I had thought that somebody can and will do something so serious for me. I was broken, shattered, desolated! I can not see someone hurt because of me; it pains me from within. It's like a slow poison.
It was a usual day. I was merrily chatting with friends over Whatsapp and uploading some pictures on Facebook alongside. It was already 1:00A.M., but I wasn't sleepy. Insomnia had hit me lately and I wasn't complaining. I was excited because I knew that the following day was going to be amazing; I was meeting a friend after a very long! Suddenly a message popped up on my mobile. The screen was flashing more than usual, as the room was dark. I had switched off the lights. It was a message from a nice friend of mine. I opened it. It wasn't usual. No, not because of the timing but because of the content. It was a proposal. I wasn't expecting it; at least not from him. I sent a usual situational reply - 'I never thought of you as anything beyond a friend.' He could not digest the reply. He started flooding my phone with his messages; most of them were filled with sadness while others were full of rage. I was irritated after a while. There was no one to share that moment of anxiety with me. I was blank; finding it difficult to breathe. I was even close to tears when we sent me two pictures of his 'cut hand' on which he had written in blood - 'I LOVE YOU ILA'.
Seeing my name in blood gave me a puking sensation. And then I could not control myself. I broke down and I cried. I wished to cancel the plan for the following day and wanted to stay home. I was unable to move. I thought of typing a message to my friend, telling him how sorry I was that I would not be able to meet him. I was halfway through the message when I realised that am giving an insignificant issue much importance. I revised the priorities of my life in my head and switched off the phone. I twisted and turned in my bed for the whole night, trying to remove the picture of my bloodshot name from my eyes. All was in vain!
I got ready the next day to meet my friend. I tried my best to smile as much as I could. Thank God the fakeness of my smile wasn't very visible. I narrated to him all the episode and showed him all the messages and the pictures. He was amazed too. I wasn't fully in my senses that day; though I tried hard. I had dreamt of that meeting for a while but it wasn't executed well. I was smiling on the outside, but only I knew how much my heart was crying.The only thing going on in my numbed mind was that how could I say 'yes' to him when I never meant it? It would have worsened things. I only hoped and prayed for him to understand me and my situation someday and not hurt himself pointlessly. Since then, he messages daily, literally begging me for a 'yes' but I know I cannot say it without meaning it. Howsoever hard I try, I cannot love him too because I never felt that way! I stopped talking to everyone after that; took calls only when indispensable.
But last night, the same friend who met me and heard me pouring my heart out, told me to move beyond it. My friend made me realise that it wasn't my mistake; according to him I had tried my level best to make him understand but he refused to comprehend anything. And I am so grateful to this sweet friend of mine, who noticed my absence from the blog and told me to start writing again which I had temporarily left. And therefore this blog post is solely dedicated to him; because he has always been the ultimate support system for me.P.S. My message to all the readers - 'Don't impose your love on anyone. If you love a person truly, tell them and then give them time to think and space to breath. They will come to you someday if you two are meant to be together. If not, then you will surely find someone else; may be better than them. But please, never hurt yourself or others in pursuit of love. Love is a beautiful feeling, don't spoil its meaning. Live and let live. Love and let go.'
*CHEERS*
Love & Laughter,
Ila :)
xoxo
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