May 2
The last two days were very bad. All are upset now. All are praying to God to get this problem solved. I don’t want to see sorrow or tears in my and Mikku’s family. I am in immense pain. I can’t hurt Mikku. I am his wife and will do whatever he wants. I cannot see tears in his eyes. I am that unlucky and unfortunate wife who saw tears in her husband’s eyes. Yesterday, I pretended that I am ok, but I am not. I am dying with every passing second.I love Mammiji. I have promised Mikku that I will support him unconditionally and love him steadfastly. I will do anything for his happiness. I can leave him forever just to see a smile on his beautiful face. I am ready to face anything. Anyway, I am also not going to live for many more days. After a few days all the problems will be ended. Everything will become as it was four months back. But there will be one change and that is I will be here to see the change. I am waiting for that last moment. Actually I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have any desire to stay here for much longer. I am not as strong as I make out to be. I do not want my family to suffer.
May 3
Diary, nothing is going in my favour. Shekar, my brother, is coming here to see the situation for himself. Had he come before marriage I would not have been in this situation. Today I am living with a person like Mikku, who doesn’t have any feelings for me. Nor does he care about me. He feels giving money to run the house is his only responsibility. Why should I live at all?
May 8
Today my brother came. We had a good time and I spoke to him for hours together. I don’t know if he listened to me. Does he understand his sister’s problems? Perhaps he may show me some way of getting out of this mess. Today I went for an interview, but I was not selected. I don’t know why this is happening to me.
May 9
Mikku is not happy that my brother is here. He didn’t even speak to him. Mikku came home late. Shekar felt insulted. Anyway, Shekhar is my brother and I will take care of him.
May 12
The whole day my brother was moody. He cried a lot and I felt bad seeing him like this. I wasn’t able to give him a gift also.
May 19
Mikku left for Mysore for three days training. It’s just an excuse but I don’t feel bad. It doesn’t make a difference anymore whether he is here or not. I enjoy being left alone these days. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome [a very common condition among young Indian women leading to reduced fertility] problem attacked me again. Need good treatment now.
May 21
I went for all kinds of tests and everything is normal. I still have hope. Mikku was expected this morning but he came only in the evening. I wrote my report and I will go alone for check-ups. I don’t want any help from Mikku. I can look after myself. Thanks Mikku, you have made me emotionless by your attitude and behaviour. I still feel pain when Mikku’s friends’ wives tell me about their after marriage experiences. They are all happy.
May 22
I woke up at 4 am and I couldn’t sleep any more. I have nightmares. If my papa was here, he wouldn’t have left me sleep alone. He would have taken me to his room. But there is no one. Mikku’s parents are coming here on 25th and I’m scared.
May 25
They arrived today. I prepared good food. Mikku is not in a good mood and I don’t know why. Now that Mammiji is here, I hope everything will be settled. I hope my Smartu will again be mine.
May 28
I was very upset yesterday, so I didn’t speak to you, diary. I cried a lot yesterday. Mikku told me that he did not have anything to give to his honey, Ramya not even his name. But Ramya has everything to give him. I am reaching the height of depression. The girl who never cried in her life, now cries every minute and every step. I spoke to an astrologer and he said everything will be sorted out in June. Today, he stopped eating with me. Tomorrow is Ramya’s birthday, but he is tense because he can’t celebrate with her as I’m around. What should I do for this? I will end my life. Sorry, I have to go away from you also diary. But God doesn’t want to see me happy.
The last two days were very bad. All are upset now. All are praying to God to get this problem solved. I don’t want to see sorrow or tears in my and Mikku’s family. I am in immense pain. I can’t hurt Mikku. I am his wife and will do whatever he wants. I cannot see tears in his eyes. I am that unlucky and unfortunate wife who saw tears in her husband’s eyes. Yesterday, I pretended that I am ok, but I am not. I am dying with every passing second.I love Mammiji. I have promised Mikku that I will support him unconditionally and love him steadfastly. I will do anything for his happiness. I can leave him forever just to see a smile on his beautiful face. I am ready to face anything. Anyway, I am also not going to live for many more days. After a few days all the problems will be ended. Everything will become as it was four months back. But there will be one change and that is I will be here to see the change. I am waiting for that last moment. Actually I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have any desire to stay here for much longer. I am not as strong as I make out to be. I do not want my family to suffer.
May 3
Diary, nothing is going in my favour. Shekar, my brother, is coming here to see the situation for himself. Had he come before marriage I would not have been in this situation. Today I am living with a person like Mikku, who doesn’t have any feelings for me. Nor does he care about me. He feels giving money to run the house is his only responsibility. Why should I live at all?
May 8
Today my brother came. We had a good time and I spoke to him for hours together. I don’t know if he listened to me. Does he understand his sister’s problems? Perhaps he may show me some way of getting out of this mess. Today I went for an interview, but I was not selected. I don’t know why this is happening to me.
May 9
Mikku is not happy that my brother is here. He didn’t even speak to him. Mikku came home late. Shekar felt insulted. Anyway, Shekhar is my brother and I will take care of him.
May 12
The whole day my brother was moody. He cried a lot and I felt bad seeing him like this. I wasn’t able to give him a gift also.
May 19
Mikku left for Mysore for three days training. It’s just an excuse but I don’t feel bad. It doesn’t make a difference anymore whether he is here or not. I enjoy being left alone these days. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome [a very common condition among young Indian women leading to reduced fertility] problem attacked me again. Need good treatment now.
May 21
I went for all kinds of tests and everything is normal. I still have hope. Mikku was expected this morning but he came only in the evening. I wrote my report and I will go alone for check-ups. I don’t want any help from Mikku. I can look after myself. Thanks Mikku, you have made me emotionless by your attitude and behaviour. I still feel pain when Mikku’s friends’ wives tell me about their after marriage experiences. They are all happy.
May 22
I woke up at 4 am and I couldn’t sleep any more. I have nightmares. If my papa was here, he wouldn’t have left me sleep alone. He would have taken me to his room. But there is no one. Mikku’s parents are coming here on 25th and I’m scared.
May 25
They arrived today. I prepared good food. Mikku is not in a good mood and I don’t know why. Now that Mammiji is here, I hope everything will be settled. I hope my Smartu will again be mine.
May 28
I was very upset yesterday, so I didn’t speak to you, diary. I cried a lot yesterday. Mikku told me that he did not have anything to give to his honey, Ramya not even his name. But Ramya has everything to give him. I am reaching the height of depression. The girl who never cried in her life, now cries every minute and every step. I spoke to an astrologer and he said everything will be sorted out in June. Today, he stopped eating with me. Tomorrow is Ramya’s birthday, but he is tense because he can’t celebrate with her as I’m around. What should I do for this? I will end my life. Sorry, I have to go away from you also diary. But God doesn’t want to see me happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment